The Morning After

This morning (Monday) I got in really early, just before 7am.  I walked around to the recently abandoned cubicles to scavange for supplies left behind by my departed comrades.  Technically this is not considered theft so long as I use these items for a work purpose (like stapler tossing for instance).

I got a nice ergonomic gel mouse-pad from Kihm’s cube.  Kasia left behind a company issue laptop bag.  Over by Brett’s office were stacks of outdated management books with titles like “The Manager’s Managerial Management Guide” and “How To Manage A Team Without Really Trying.” 

I steered clear of grabbing any headphones or wireless headsets because reusing those is just plain gross. 

Standing there amid the silence and barren offices, I felt like the last man left alive after a nuclear disaster.  It was so quiet, I could hear the sounds of rain hitting the windows and the soft buzz of the fluorescent lighting.  Suddenly, a couple of other early birds came flying around the corner, led by a large red-haired woman in a pant-suit who was shrieking with laughter.  Since I’m easily startled by extremely loud noises at seven in the morning, I nearly shrieked with fright in response.  The two early birds passed me and continued down the hall whooping it up like a couple of drunken Portuguese sailors. 

As I watched them disappear into their respective cubicles, I realized I was not in the midst of a nuclear holocaust, but in a quaint little place called “hell on earth.”

CTIA on April 1st

I don’t think it’s a coincidence at all that our esteemed CEO will be the key note speaker at CTIA on April Fools day. 

I can picture it now.  Just after his introduction the MC says, “so here he is to speak to you about the next revolution in wireless…”

(cue silence and crickets chirping)

The MC breaks in “just kidding folks, April Fools.”

(the audience laughs) 

“Ladies and Gentlemen please welcome Steve Jobs.” 

(thunderous applause)

Corporate Life in Fiction

Below is the opening paragraph of a new book called “Then We Came To An End” by first time author Joshua Ferris.  Ferris worked at a Chicago-based advertising agency during a time of company turmoil and looming layoffs.  He wrote ”Then We Came To An End” as a fictional account of his experiences:

We were fractious and overpaid.  Our mornings lacked promise.  At least those of us who smoked had something to look forward to at ten-fifteen.  Most of us liked most everyone, a few of us hated specific people, one or two people loved everyone and everything.  Those who loved everyone wee unanimously reviled.  We loved free bagels in the morning.  They happened all too infrequently.  Our benefits were astonishing in comprehensiveness and quality of care.  Sometimes we questioned whether they were worth it.  We thought moving to India might better, or going back to nursing school.  Doing something with the handicapped or working with our hands.  No one ever acted on these impulses, despite their daily, sometimes hourly contractions.  Instead we met in conference rooms to discuss the issues of the day.

Sound familiar?

The Tire Shop is Open For Business

A beginning is a very delicate time. 

Know then that I’ve never blogged before, so hopefully my first attempt is reasonably entertaining.  If you’re wondering what this is supposed to be about, I encourage you to click on the tab above that says “About.”  That aside, let’s begin.

It is Sunday night.  Soon it will be Monday morning and I’ll be working the counter at the tire shop while most of my friends will be registering for classes, getting the scoop on the bad professors, and meeting new roommates for the first time.  Such is life.

For those of you who are still with me, whom I affectionately refer to as my fellow townies, take solace in the fact that at the end of every rainbow is an evil leprechaun who is probably going to screw you out of a pot of gold.

Recently, our esteemed CEO suggested that all employees watch one of his favorite documentaries.  It is an account of Ernest Shackleton’s 1914 Antarctic expedition to the South Pole called “The Endurance” after the ship Shackleton’s lost during the voyage.  I’ve heard that our CEO is passing out copies of the DVD to directors and encouraging them to watch the video with their team.

If you’re not familiar with Shackleton’s voyage, I highly recommend a book by Alfred Lansing on the subject called “Endurance.” 

In short, Shackleton’s ship was crushed in the glacial ice early on in the expedition.  Lacking other options, he and his 27-man crew were forced to abandon the vessel and continue on foot and in small life-boats.  They floated around on icebergs for two years, stayed alive by eating seals and penguins, and were finally rescued when Shackleton and his captains loaded themselves in a 22 foot skiff and braved the 650 mile trek across the Drake Passage to South Georgia Island, one of the most trecherous stretches of open sea on the planet.

So what does our commander in chief want us to learn from Shackleton’s experience?  I’m sure he blubbered on about leadership and staying the course and believing in yourself.  I wonder if he realizes the true message that the movie ”The Endurance” will impart to his employees.

You see, I think the analogy is astonishingly accurate.  For two years (maybe more), we here at “the company” will go through absolute hell.  We’ll never reach our goal - not even coming close in fact.  In the end we’ll survive, but not without mental and physical scars that will last a lifetime.

Thanks for the uplifting message Danny Boy.  Maybe next time you want to rally the troops we can all get together and watch “Schindler’s List” or “Steel Magnolia’s.”  Brilliant shit, man.  Brilliant.