Ode to My Career

We are the music-makers
And we are the dreamers of dreams,
Wandering by lone sea-breakers,
And sitting by desolate streams;
World-losers and world forsakers,
On whom the pale moon gleams;
Yet we are the movers and shakers
Of the world forever, it seems.

                           – Ode by Arthur O’Shaughnessy

I first read that poem when I was in college.  I remembered it because of the dramatic undertones.  It inspired me to try and do great things.  It made me feel like I had the whole world in the palm of my hand; like an apple I was ready to take a great big bite out of.

I recently came up with a version of the poem that better reflects my life today.

We are the PowerPoint makers
Budget challenges destroy our dreams,
Wandering amid executive fakers,
And sitting with task force teams;
Plain old losers and job forsakers,
On whom that flourecent light gleams;
Yet we put up with nitwit decision makers
So it goes forever, it seems.

                           – Ode To My Career by Tire Shop 

 

The Language Barrier

Much has already been written about the phenomena of corporate speak. It is that special language that we who work in corporate America all use and understand. I think we sometimes forget that corporate speak is nothing short of pure drivel to the rest of the world. Don’t think so? Ask a worker in a South African diamond mine how he’s making out on his “action items” today and then try not to get your skull thumped by a shovel.

So here are a few of my favorite terms in corporate speak:

Out of Pocket – As in “Fred is out of pocket and won’t be able to make today’s bi-hourly update meeting.”  I don’t understand this phrase.  Why can’t it just be out of the office?  Out of pocket?  What pocket?  You mean that little pocket I like to think of as hell on earth.  Is that the pocket he’s out of?

Feed the Beast – I like this one.  It is meant to convey the idea that amid the big important things you’re working on, you also have to satisfy the idiots in charge when they want some useless analysis completed in fifteen minutes.  When I hear this term, I think of a nasty fire-breathing dragon who sits in the corner office and burns passers by with his white hot exhalations.  This actually isn’t too far from the truth.

Operationalize - I didn’t think this was actually a word, but it does show up in the dictionary.  The definition is “to define a concept or variable so that it can be measured or expressed quantitatively.”  This is why most people use the term in a negative manner, e.g., “I’m not sure we can operationalize that ludicrous idea you just had sir.” 

Triage – This one is used a lot at “the company” these days.  The literal definition is “a process of prioritizing patients based on the severity of their condition so as to treat as many as possible when resources are insufficient for all to be treated immediately.”  That about sums it up my entire career at “the company.”

On Board – As in “let’s make sure the lead team is on board with this idea.”  Translation – “I’m going to use and iron skillet to cover my ass on this one.”

Directionally Correct – This simply means that the analysis in question is completely wrong.

Empowered – As in “I want you to feel empowered to make decisions.”  “P.S. I will not back you up later when your decisions turn out to be really stupid.”

Core Team – Usually more than fifty people running around and through each other to solve the same issue.

Budget Challenge – We’re totally out of money.

Break-even Project – We’d be better off investing in tulip bulbs than putting our money into this thing.

Assign Ownership - Let’s name the person who is going to stay with this sinking ship while all of us take off in the lifeboats to “get help.”

Deck – Putting these together is the main function of managers and directors at “the company.”  Not reading them is the main function of our executives.

Drink the Kool-Aid – Nothing like using the horrific tragedy at Jonestown as a metaphor for someone who has bought the company line.

Deliverables – Remember Feed the Beast?  This is what the Beast likes to eat.

Transformation/Reorganization/Restructuring – Clusterfuck

Leverage – Let’s use the presentation we did three years ago.

Disconnect – We completely screwed the pooch on this one.

Low Hanging Fruit – These are problems we really should have already corrected.  Like years ago.

Ping – To contact someone informally.  “I’ll send the guy an e-mail but I couldn’t care less if he responds.”

Take It Offline – Translation – Can you please just shut-up during my meeting?

There are more but I’m spent for today. 

Avoiding Useless Meetings

Now that you can identify a useless meeting, let’s focus on avoiding them.  There are a myriad of excuses you can use to avoid useless meetings.  We’ll tackle them one at a time.

1. Death in the Family – Though morbid and exceedingly inappropriate, lying about a relative’s death to avoid useless meetings is a very effective excuse.  No one will question the validity of this excuse (for fear that if it is true, they’ll look like an evil insensitive S.O.B.).  Always use relatives first removed from your immediate family.  I like to use Uncles or Aunts.  An Uncle dying is a) plausible and lacks any heir of dramatic tragedy that might draw unwanted attention and b) repeatable (you can have many uncles).  Just don’t use the “uncle died” excuse too often in a row.  After you miss seven meetings due to funerals for your various uncles, people will begin thinking there was a bus accident or something.
2. Illness – Always have some specifics around the illness excuse.  I find that saying “having some stomach trouble” usually makes people back off.  If you get a curious one who asks “what kind of stomach trouble,” describe in detail what your referring to making sure to include things like exact color of your poo.  Watch them run for the hills after that.  As with the “death” excuse, don’t use this one too often in a row (lest your co-workers will think you contracted the Whooping Cough).
3. Doctor’s Appointment – This is a good one, but again make sure you have your specifics down pat.  You never know when some nosy bastard is going to ask “what’s wrong?”  You’ll want to answer without missing a beat.  Examples of specifics include, “I’m seeing a Podiatrist to have my feet scraped” or “my Proctologist is going to do some exploratory spelunking.” 
4. Pet and Kid Care – Pets and/or kids make good excuses because most people will empathize with your plight.  For instance your excuse might be “I’d love to attend the Customer Experience Task Force Semi-Daily Update Meeting, but my pet cockatoo Slappy is having his feathers waxed.” 
5. Family in from Out of Town – Easy one here.  Just make up an out of town relative whom you haven’t seen in decades and is coming into town to stay with you.  “I’m sorry but I can’t attend the recurring Why Are Customer’s Leaving meeting.  My second cousin Flarn Flarnson is coming into town from the upper Norse country to attend a bobsled convention.”
6. Nosebleed – No one will ever question you if you fake a nosebleed.  Just like Colt 45, it works every time.
7. Prior Engagement -  Just make sure they can’t check you on this.  Be vague.  I like the old Seinfeld standard “I’m sorry but I’m speaking at a Men’s Conference that day.”  No one knows what the hell this means and they likely won’t ask.  Bonus points here if you can come up with a religious theme.  “I’m actually out of the office that day attending the Promise Makers Religious Revival Ho-Down and Squaredance Competition for Children in Christ.  There are extra tickets if you’d like to attend?”  Watch them scatter when confronted with this one.
8. Charity Event – Perfect excuse.  Just make sure it’s weird sounding enough that no one will want to get involved.  “Actually I won’t be able to make it as I’m the chairperson for the Saint Betty’s Children’s Youth Fund for the Elderly and Recently Deceased.  You know Saint Betty.  She was the Peruvian nun who taught the lepers how to sing.”

These are just a few ideas that  you can get by on for a while.  I encourage you to get creative and come up with your own excuses.  Remember, your time is valuable.  So take a bite out of useless meetings and just say no.  Only you can prevent useless meetings from affecting your life. 

Identifying Useless Meetings

The really nice thing about working for a massive company is the massive amount of meetings you get to attend during any given week.  I can recall weeks where I had meetings back to back without any time to even go to lunch.  It really makes you feel important when you look at your work calendar and see it completely full up – with quite a few double bookings to boot.

After attending thousands of meetings over eight-plus years, I’ve calculated that roughly ninety-seven percent of them are absolutely useless.  The reasons for this are varied, but in a nutshell the problem stems from a complete lack of decision making on material business items.  The vast majority of meetings I’ve attended have resulted in either a) meaningless babble over a big issue with no progress toward a solution; or b) decisions made on multiple items that are completely immaterial to the business.

The two most important things you need to now about useless meetings are 1) recognizing that you’ve been invited to a useless meeting and 2) how to avoid that meeting.

Today we’ll focus on the recognition of useless meetings.  There are several key indicators that will alert you of a useless meeting:

• The meeting’s purpose is to talk about another meeting.  This is a very interesting phenomena that exists only in large corporations.  There are two distinct sub-genres of the meeting to talk about another meeting:

1) The meeting to talk about a meeting that just occurred.  Otherwise known as the “what the  hell just happened” meeting.  At this meeting, attendees attempt to interpret the ramblings of their respective executives.  There is much discussion over what the executives said in the previous meeting vs. what they actually meant.  You might ask why the meeting attendees don’t just take five minutes and ask a few clarifying questions of said executives.  Good point.  You are very smart.

2) The meeting to talk about a future meeting.  Otherwise known as the ”cover my ass” meeting.  At this meeting, the main goal of attendees is to ensure that the presentation which will be delivered to the executive team on Monday doesn’t throw them under the bus.  This leads to a lot of verbiage changes in the presentation.  For instance, one might insist on using the word “challenge” instead of “failure” or inserting the word “catharsis” in place of “bumblefuck.”

• The words “Task Force” appear in the meeting subject line.  A task force is something executives like to create to solve company problems.  The task force will be made up of a bunch of people from different functional groups who have zero expertise in the area that the problem exists.  Task forces are usually very large groups.  Normally the only ones left out of a task force are those who have any slice of knowledge about how the problem came about, what fixes have been attempted thus far, etc.
• There are more than thirty people on the attendee list.  I’ve seen invitations to conference calls to discuss a very specific issue with upwards of one-hundred invitees.  Needless to say, it’s hard to get much done when the roll call takes forty-five minutes.
• The words “All Hands Meeting” appear in the meeting subject line.
• The meeting invitation is sent out four minutes before the meeting start time.  Avoid this meeting at all costs because chances are some executive just had a bright idea.
• The meeting invitation is void of any indication of what the meeting is about.  No subject. No agenda.  Nothing.  This could be an indication that you are being set up.  Avoid this meeting at all costs.
• The words “Brainstorming Session” appear in the meeting subject line.  I actually would encourage you to attend these meetings.  There really is no greater joy for me than witnessing that relaxing flow of random thoughts sailing ever so gently across a glistening ocean of logic yet never quite reaching a port.
• The meeting is scheduled for Friday afternoon at four o’clock.  There is no way in hell that this is going to be a productive meeting.
• Your boss has forwarded the meeting invitation to you.  He’s avoiding it.  So should you.

Next time we’ll focus on how to avoid such meetings.  For now, I’ll leave you with a quick tip.  If ever you get a phone call from an out of breath administrative assistant and they say “Hector, there’s an emergency meeting in conference room B in ten minutes.  Can you attend?”  Your automatic answer should be “oh, I’m sorry I can’t.  I just found out that my cat has contracted the bubonic plague.  Gotta go!”

 

Executive Speak Easy

The other day we had a department-wide meeting.  Our VP got up on stage and talked about how well we are doing, how cool our new products are, and how we are on the fast track to success.  Needless to say, my bullshit meter topped out at 324 BPS (bullshits per second).

At the end of the meeting was a Q&A session with this VP.  I’ll paraphrase one question that came in from over the phone:

Our competitors seem to be offering virtually the same products and services we have.  That said, how can we differentiate ourselves in the competitive marketplace.

Below is the VP’s answer.  I’m paraphrasing, but this is very close to what he said:

Well you obviously haven’t been paying attention today.  If you really don’t know maybe you shouldn’t be here.  Come to my office and I’ll straighten you out.

You really can’t make this stuff up.  I mean here we have a conscientious employee asking a very valid question of his or her leader, only to get shot down and basically called a dipshit for even asking the question in the first place.

Why even have a Q&A?  What kinds of questions do you want anyway?

Yes Mr. VP, can I ask where you bought that fabulous tie?  It’s striking and goes so very well with your eyes.  Also, I just want to let you know that your wife is a very lucky woman.

I really don’t have a question I was just wanting to shake your hand.

Sir, I believe I speak for the entire employee population when I say we are with you!

So I feel sorry for that conscientious employee who got shot down.  That night the conscientious employee probably shuts down their computer, drives home in rush hour traffic, and sits down at the dinner table to eat with their spouse.  With the meal on the table they dig into their food.  A short time elapses before the spouse pauses and asks the usual question: ”so honey, how was your day?” 

After a brief silence the conscientious employee answers, “well, we had this department meeting today led by the senior vice president.  At the end was a Q&A session so I asked a question about how we plan to differentiate our products and services in the marketplace.” 

The spouse nods approvingly and asks “well, what did the VP say to your question?” 

The conscientious employee looks up from his food and says, “I’m pretty sure he told me to go fuck myself.”

The End. 

Late Night E-Mailers, Weekend Recruiters, & You

Now that Earth Day is over, let’s return to my how-to survive corporate life series, shall we.  Today we’ll focus on how to deal with Late Night E-mailer’s and Weekend Recruiters.  Let’s begin.

Late Night E-Mailers are company executives who send out e-mails in the middle of the night with lists of things for you to do.  These e-mails normally come between the hours of midnight and 5am.  Hours during which any normal person would be sleeping.  But these folks aren’t normal, are they? 

There are actually several reasons why a person would be burning the midnight oil to send work related e-mails:

1. She is a loser with no life outside of work.
2. She is a vampire (both sunlight and logic burn her skin)
3. She is completely inefficient, doesn’t understand what her job is, doesn’t understand what the scope of an executive’s work should be, is unable to prioritize projects, is unable to utilize the talents of her team, and is an all around ne’er-do-well who should be fired immediately.

Late night e-mails can say a variety of things but all have similar qualities.  They’re always to other executives, only copying you for directional purposes (i.e., the workhorse must be steered in the right direction).  Almost all late night e-mails will assign employees a project in the following manner:

“Oscar is working diligently on Project Meatcase and should have some initial findings for us to review by the end of the week.”

Not only has Oscar never heard of Project Meatcase, there also is no such person named Oscar. 

At times, the late night e-mail is so filled with incoherent babble that you wonder if the author passed out while writing it and her head hit the keyboard.

There are four things you should do after you receive the late night e-mail:

1. Read it.
2. Delete it.
3. Ignore it.
4. Have a soda.

Now, on to the Weekend Recruiter.  These people are also known as the After Hours Recruiter.  They will stop by your desk just before you’re about to leave for the day and ask if you can begin work on a six hour excruciatingly detailed analysis with no clear objective.  If you accept, this means you’ll be working the weekend or all night long.

The one tool you’ll need to extricate yourself from this situation is what I call “The Ready Made Excuse.”  As soon as your executive finishes asking if you can stay tonight and figure out “how different shades of yellow in our advertising will drive sales,” you simply push the button that activates the ready made excuse.

Mine used to be “I’m sorry but I’m headed out of town tonight.”  Simple and to the point.  There is nothing mysterious about this statement that will make your executive suspicious.  That said, make sure you have details.  For instance, if you executive asks where you are going and why, you could respond by saying “my wife’s family lives in Springbergfieldville and we’re headed down there to help them with the semi-annual crawdad harvesting county fair competition and livestock show.”  Then express remorse at not being able to participate in their really interesting project and eject immediately (you should be in your car and tearing out of there in under two minutes).

That’s it for today.  I was thinking that tomorrow we can discuss how to avoid ridiculous meetings.

Leggo My Ego

I was cruising through the used bookstore just the other day (used because I’m preparing to be laid off soon) and I happened upon a book called Narcissistic Leaders by Michael Maccoby.  I’ve just begun perusing the pages but it looks interesting.  Below are a few snippets from the preface:

Since the publication of this book, I’ve been asked whether there is any difference between narcissists and psychopaths.  The answer is psychopaths can be considered an extreme and malignant version of the narcissistic personality.  Both psychopaths and narcissists can be extremely seductive when they need something from people.  Both can be glib, charming, manipulative, deceitful, and ruthless.  Both use people, squeeze them like oranges, and throw them away once they’ve drunk the juice.

Sometimes I really do feel like an orange.  Maybe we at “the company” are all oranges in a great big fruit basket.  Not to say we are all fruits or anything.  It’s just a metaphor.

Maccoby goes on to say that psychopaths “operate on the lowest level of moral reasoning with no concern for the common good.” 

Silly me.  Here I am, reading this book, frightened to death that I might work for a bunch of narcissists, when lo and behold I find out that they’re just your run of the mill psychopaths.  Whew!  That’s a relief.

Maccoby also points out something interesting about IQ.  He states the following:

Clearly, anyone who gets to the top of a major business would score well on a traditionally IQ test.  But that would only indicate one type of intelligence, essentially a combination of good memory and analysis.  During the past twenty years, psychologists have demonstrated that while traditional IQ is correlated with doing well in school, it doesn’t predict success in business.  This means you can have a high IQ and do poorly in business.

Another huge relief for me.  Here I thought our leaders were just dumb-asses plain and simple.  You see, my fellow townies, they’re not stupid.  They just aren’t any good at their jobs and never will be.  Boy, that’s a real load off. 

So interesting book so far and I’m only like ten pages in.  I think this is going to change my whole perspective on shit.  I’ll let you know how it ends. 

Earth Day Is For Losers

Last week was Earth Day at “the company.”  I guess that means the whole week was really just one day.  Seems that way to me since I rarely work more than eight hours in a week.

As I walked around our complex, I noticed a bunch of big signs declaring it Earth Day/Week.  I walked by one building and noticed a stage was set up with huge multi-layered speakers sitting to either side.  At the center of the stage was an aged former hippie tuning his acoustic guitar.  I knew he was an aged former hippie for the following reasons:

1. All former hippies are aged.
2. He had stringy long hair tied in a pony tail.
3. He was wearing corduroy. 
4. He had on both a multi-colored beaded bracelet and one of those yellow ”Lance Armstrong - Save My Balls” rubber bracelets.
5. He was tuning his acoustic guitar on stage during Earth Day/Week.

I knew I was just moments away from hearing some whiny-voiced covers of songs by Joni Mitchell or James Taylor.  Boy was I way off.  He started with ”Have You Ever Seen The Rain” by Creedance Clearwater Revival and moved directly to “Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald” by Gordon Lightfoot.

He was astonishingly bad.  I decided to sit down among the fourteen other Earth Day/Week concert attendees and listen for a while.  I stayed for his next three songs.  In order of appearance, his set included “Peaceful Easy Feeling” by the Eagles, “Shower the People” by James Taylor (I called it) and finally “Seasons in the Sun” by Terry Jacks (I admit I had to look this one up – I mean Terry Jacks?).

Sitting there listening to horrifying versions of 60’s soft rock and 70’s pop, a question came to my mind.  What the hell is Earth Day/Week?  And why are we celebrating it?  Isn’t our company on the verge of Chapter 11?  And we’re celebrating f-ing Earth Day/Week?

So let’s clear things up.  Earth Day/Week has nothing to do with the earth or saving it.  It has to do with us humans.  They should call it People Day/Week.  No one is altruistically concerned with the earth.  What we’re concerned with is whether or not the earth can put up with our crap anymore.

I’ll leave you with a snippet of what the comedian George Carlin once said about Earth Day.  I think it is fitting and has application throughout “the company.”

We’re so self-important. Everybody’s going to save something now. “Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save those snails.” And the greatest arrogance of all: save the planet. Save the planet, we don’t even know how to take care of ourselves yet. I’m tired of this shit.  I’m tired of f-ing Earth Day.  I’m tired of these self-righteous environmentalists, these white, bourgeois liberals who think the only thing wrong with this country is that there aren’t enough bicycle paths.  People trying to make the world safe for Volvos.  Besides, environmentalists don’t give a shit about the planet.  Not in the abstract they don’t.  You know what they’re interested in?  A clean place to live.  Their own habitat.  They’re worried that some day in the future they might be personally inconvenienced.  Narrow, unenlightened self-interest doesn’t impress me.

The planet has been through a lot worse than us. Been through earthquakes, volcanoes, plate tectonics, continental drift, solar flares, sun spots, magnetic storms, the magnetic reversal of the poles … hundreds of thousands of years of bombardment by comets and asteroids and meteors, worldwide floods, tidal waves, worldwide fires, erosion, cosmic rays, recurring ice ages … And we think some plastic bags and some aluminum cans are going to make a difference? The planet isn’t going anywhere. WE ARE!

We’re going away. Pack your shit, folks. We’re going away. And we won’t leave much of a trace, either. Maybe a little Styrofoam … The planet’ll be here and we’ll be long gone. Just another failed mutation. Just another closed-end biological mistake. An evolutionary cul-de-sac. The planet’ll shake us off like a bad case of fleas.

The planet will be here for a long, long, LONG time after we’re gone, and it will heal itself, it will cleanse itself, ’cause that’s what it does. It’s a self-correcting system. The air and the water will recover, the earth will be renewed.  And if it’s true that plastic is not degradable, well, the planet will simply incorporate plastic into a new paradigm: the earth plus plastic.  The earth doesn’t share our prejudice toward plastic.  Plastic came out of the earth.  The earth probably sees plastic as just another one of its children.  Could be the only reason the earth allowed us to be spawned from it in the first place.  It wanted plastic for itself.  Didn’t know how to make it.  Needed us.  Could be the answer to our age-old egocentric philosophical question, “Why are we here?” 

Plastic…asshole.

Tell Me A Little Bit About Yourself…

Today’s subject in our recurring “how to” series revolves around resumes and interviews.  Not that I’m thinking of leaving “the company” or anything (for it is my life).  I just thought this subject might be on people’s minds these days.

First, let’s talk about resumes.  Someone once told me that a resume is an advertisement and the product you’re selling is you.  This is why I use phrases like ”act now” and “no down payment” throughout my resume.  In order for your resume to stand out among the crowd you must be creative and take chances.  Let’s look at some tips on building your resume.

Section One – Name & Address

Anyone can simply write their name down in this section.  Color it up a bit.  Add a nickname.  For instance, if your name is Larry, consider adding the term “The Lobster” between your first and last name.  Prospective employers love a good nickname.

Section Two – Career Summary

Be really descriptive and to the point here.  This is the true advertisement for who you are.  Don’t be afraid to make bold statements.  For your benefit, I’ve attached an example from my own resume below:

I am a young and very sleek urban professional seeking to further my career via a hostile takeover of a small to mid-sized Fortune 100 company.  I once rejected a Nobel Prize for Literature because I was so very unsatsfied with my own work.  I am a seasoned leader who will achieve my objective no matter how much damage it causes those beneath me.  My intellect is so dazzling that many have expressed their inability to understand a word I say.

Section Three – Experience

You must tailor this section to the job you are applying for.  For instance, if the job requires that you have “bull-riding expertise,” then just mold statements regarding your work experience to that end.  Example:  If your resume states “Responsbile for project managing cost cutting initiatives across the enterprise” just add “while riding a bull“ to the end of that statement.

Section Four – Education

Simple rule here: whatever your college grade point average was, double it.  If you had a 3.2 grade average for undergraduate work, put down 6.4.  This will impress prospective employers.

Section Five (optional) - Hobbies

This section is meant to personalize your resume and give you character.  Again, be bold if you want to stand out.  Here are a few examples from my resume:

Last year, I was voted ”least likely to stay on his medication” by my peers down at the clinic.  

In high school, I placed fourth in the election for class president trailing slightly behind Jennifer Covington, Tom Krakowski, and F$#@ This School. 

Now on to interviews.  In an interview, you are apt to be asked several standard questions.  You can anticipate these questions and have your answers ready before hand.  Here are a few examples:

Q – Can you tell me a little bit about what you do at “the company?”

“Sure.  Most days I come in well before everyone else arrives at eight o’clock to troll for any doughnuts that might be left over from the day before.  Then from eight to noon I pretty much comb the online job sites searching for a way out of this twenty-first century corporate Bastille.  When noon hits, I’m usually in tears so I have to gather myself before heading off to lunch with the people I work with.  We usually go to an offsite dining establishment so we talk freely about our common misery and take shots at our wretched lead team.  After lunch, I go back to my gray and weathered cubical where I usually send my resume out to anywhere from fifty to eighty different job postings.  My standards for job requirements have really collapsed in the last few weeks.  Why just the other day I applied for a job as a “shoveler” at a pork processing plant.”

Q – Why have you decided to leave “the company?”

“So, have you ever, like, been beaten or in fact stoned…or actually a better way to describe it is like if you were hanging by a tiny string and there’s a cliff…or for instance you would be falling…lots of screaming…and the bells are tolling…and there’s the reaper man and he’s totally smiling…worlds of craziness like they handed out hits of acid in loony bin… have I answered your question?”

Q – What are your three key strengths?

“I work really well with animals.  Particularly cats and pigeons.”

“I think people are really pleasantly surprised when they find out I’m not retarded.”

“I actually have twenty-seven key strengths in the following categories…”

Q – What are your three key weaknesses?

“Reading.”

“Keys?  You mean, like, my house keys?”

“I’ve never really liked my hair.”

So that’s it for this “how to” update.  I think the next blog is going to be about “Earth Day.”  Can’t wait.

The Happy Hour Crowd

Just got back from another going away happy hour.  Another Townie bites the dust.  I was thinking that the day I leave “the company” I’ll have to throw my own happy hour.  It’ll be me alone at the bar babbling to the bartender about no one understands me or pays attention to me and that this is a mark of true genius.

Since there have been so many happy hours lately, I thought I would categorize the type of people who attend these events.  Certainly there are your run of the mill folks who show up, mingle amongst the crowd, and have a few beers.  But there are always some very interesting appearances as well.  Here are a few that I thought of:

The Water Drinker – This is the girl that shows up fairly early in the happy hour (always just after 5pm), sits in a corner, and orders a water with lemon.  She sips on the water for about fifteen minutes, barely speaking to anyone, and then abruptly leaves with a cursory wave to the crowd as she goes.  As the crowd watches her shuffle out the door, there is usually some discussion as to what her name is.  Katherine?  Or is it Katy?  The Water Drinker is labeled a “Dud” by most and is discounted as no one to be at all concerned with.

The Foreigner – This is the guy (usually a contractor) who doesn’t really speak English much.  He sits at the end of the table smiling and drinking a Coca-Cola.  His name is usually something vaguely embarrassing like Dum Fuk or Krakhoar.  He shows up to these things because he wants to fit it with his new American workmates.  Sadly, he doesn’t fit in at all and usually leaves after no one speaks to him for the first hour.

The Guy Who Brings His Girlfriend Who is Of Questionable Moral Standards- This is self explanatory although I will say that it is interesting to watch the reactions of men vs. women when they are sizing up the “girlfriend.” 

The “Who Knew” – This is the shy, very nice person you know from the office who turns out to be a raging alcoholic.  For the first hour, you keep thinking you’ve simply misjudged this person and that she is really pretty cool.  Then she pulls a make-shift knife from her purse to threaten the waitress because the drinks aren’t coming fast enough. 

The Out of Place Executive - This is the guy who used to be with the “In-Crowd” but recently was promoted to the executive level.  Now everyone is uncomfortable around him because of his new position but he acts like nothing has changed.  Disparate income levels do funny things to people.  He usually leaves quickly after getting the cold shoulder more than a few times.

The Bitter Beer Face – This is the guy who gets really bitter about his lot in life when he drinks.  Really bitter.  If you’re cornered by the Bitter Beer Face, get ready for a thirty minute speech on how he was screwed out of that promotion because his boss is threatened by how smart he is. 

The Glutton – This is the guy who eats a seventy-five percent portion of the community appetizer. 

The Weird Drink Guy - While most people are having beers or your standard Vodka tonic, this is the guy who orders something no one’s ever heard of.  He’ll say, “I’ll take an Irish Car Bomb” or “can the bartender make me a Fuzzy Pickle with a twist.”

Mr. Shots – This is the guy who has one and a half beers and then begins calling for a round of shots every thirty seconds until someone agrees to do a shot with him.

The Short-Changers – These are the jack-asses who drink three beers, eat some of the community appetizer, and then drop a fiver on the table as they’re heading out. 

The Final Four – These are the last four to leave the bar.  Usually ends up being the same three people all the time with a rotating tag along for each occasion.  I am always one of the Final Four and highly advocate this approach.  This is the point in the night when people talk completely freely about their boss, peers, wives, etc.  The dirt comes out at Final Four time, let me tell you.

That’s about all I’ve got.  Please feel free to add to this list.  Also check out the following link to learn about the five stages of drinking.  Funny stuff.

http://larrymillerhumor.com/media/index.php