Marketing Types and Bathroom Rules

I read an interesting quote on the Marketing Type Personality as defined by the author of the book Narcissistic Leaders:

Describing the marketing personality is like trying to describe the color of a chameleon: It changes all the time…The biggest danger for unproductive marketing types is they lack a center.  They can end up chasing the new thing so often that they make no lasting commitments to their work or to people.  They can be superficial, caring more about how they look than what they have to offer.  They spend so much time selling themselves that they’re oblivious to what others can teach them.

                 Narcissistic Leadersby Michael Maccoby

We have more than a few of these types at “the company.”  Can settle on a decision.  Can’t come to a conclusion.  More concerned with what is perceived as ”right” than what is actually the correct course of action.  Spineless, hopeless, hapless, friendless, and leading a Fortune 100 company to a swift demise.

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On another note, today I was in the restroom at the office, standing at a urinal, when out of nowhere a guy in one of the stalls started chuckling out loud and saying things like “oh, that’s great” under his breath.  I really hope that he either a) thought he was totally alone and was thinking of an old joke or b) was reading the funny papers while doing his business.  I really can’t think of any other reason why he’d be laughing.  Actually, I can think of quite a few reasons why he might be laughing, none of them legitimate.

There are rules, boundaries, and limitations when using a public bathroom, particularly the one at your place of business.  I can speak only for the men’s restroom.  Not sure what the rules are in the women’s restroom (although I do know that you are required to stay at least fifteen minutes on each visit and you must go in pairs).

Rule 1 – Don’t talk to me while I’m going.  Seriously, unless the building is on fire or my pants are ablaze, just keep you mouth shut for thirty seconds.

Rule 2 – Don’t answer your mobile phone while in a stall.  The last thing I need to hear is “oh, hey there Louise how are you?  Me?  Oh not much, just taking my three o’clock dump.”

Rule 3 – Don’t smile at me.  It’s creepy.

Rule 4 – If you’re in the stall next to me, don’t let your foot drift over underneath the separator and into my stall.  I don’t know how to interpret this and I could lash out if provoked.

Rule 5 - Unless there is an absolute emergency, please don’t take the stall next to mine to begin with.  Try to place yourself as far away from me as you can so I don’t have to hear you mutter things like “durn zipper” or “aw fiddlesticks, now my socks are all wet.”

Rule 6 – Don’t brush your damn teeth at one of the sinks.  This isn’t a Howard Johnsons.

Rule 7 – Don’t write the phrase “Free Cowboy Hats” on the paper seat cover dispenser. 

Rule 8 – Don’t begin taking your pants down as you’re walking into the stall.  I don’t need to see the top half of your Aquaman underoos, thank you very much.

Rule 9 – When I’m at the urinal, don’t come up behind me and in a southern accent say ”well now, looks like ol’ spider has gone and caught himself a fly.”

Rule 10 – Never ever, under any circumstances, dance in the men’s restroom.

The Language Barrier Part V

It really never ends.  The annals of corporate speak are seemingly infinite.  This is Part V in the series and I’ve still got more bogus terms than I can deal with in one sitting.  Interesting how many words humans can invent when they don’t know what they’re doing.  Here we go:

Action Log – This is just like an Action Register only, being a log, it looks and smells like something that came out of my butt.

Back of the Envelope – As in “can you perform some back of the envelope calculations to make sure your analysis is correct.  Because I’ve got to tell you, from the complexity of your spreadsheet it looks like you tried to calculate the existence of God.”

Customer Facing Document – Lies.

Reactive Approach – Let’s just wait until people come in and complain before we tell them there is nothing we can do about it.

Scalable – “Let’s make sure that this new process is scalable.  After all, this business is shrinking faster than my grandmother’s short term memory.  She keeps calling me Ray.”

NDA (Non Disclose Agreement) – “We can’t discuss Project Tons-O-Fun with you until you sign the NDA that stipulates if you were divulge any information about the project we can take your first born child.  All signed?  Great!  Okay, here is the deal.  We’re going to give away balloons and cheese whiz at our stores with each sale!”

Upstream Issue – “Do you guys think this river water tastes like urine?”

Scrub the Data – As in “can we scrub the data to make sure we remove all the outliers and pertinent information so we can manufacture a result to impress my boss.  He really likes chocolate, so if you can incorporate fudge into the answer, that would be great.”

Administrative Fee –  ”Thank you for signing up for our service.  Now if you could just assume the position, we will gently insert these administrative fees.”

Ballpark Number – As in “can you just give me a ballpark number I can take to the executives?  Later, when your job is on the line because they held you to that number, I’ll be in the bomb shelter snickering and eating peanut butter.”

Holistic View – “Tell me how this one decision will effect every minute detail in the entire world of our business.”

Visibility – As in “can my team get visibility to that issue.  We’ve yet to see any details on it.  It’s hard to see our of ass-colored glasses you know.”

Best Practices – Never heard of this.  Anyone?  Anyone?  No?

The Ball is in Your Court – “You are to blame and I’m the one who is going to blame you.”

Baked-In – As in “the money for that project is baked-in to the overall budget.”  Kind of like baking a nail file into a cake.  Great if the cake is for a prisoner and he needs the nail file to escape.  Not so great if the cake is for your three year old’s birthday party.

Streamline – This one is really made up of two distinct words.  Stre and Amline.  What can they possibly mean?  It’s a mystery.

Biz Dev (Business Development) – “We think the iPhone is just stupid.” Biz Dev Circa 2005

Thanks for playing.  See you later.

Lottery Winner

What is the first thing you would do if you won the lottery?  This is the question that has plagued us all a time or two.  The question discussed in front of many a water-cooler at “the company.”  The question that we love to discuss even though we know that the odds of us winning are not even in our solar system.

But it is an interesting question.  What would you do first?  Would you buy a house?  A car?  Gold teeth?  Or are like me and your answer is “hire a tax lawyer and then, with my new found wealth, execute a plan that drives all of my lifelong enemies into financial ruin.”  I get all giddy just thinking about it!

That aside, the big question is would you quit your job?  Many lottery winners don’t you know.  You see them on the news from time to time telling the world that they love their job and will not quit.  With cameras and microphones in their face you’ll hear them say things like “Mary and I have decided to stay on at the Wretched Center teaching abnormal middle school children how not to spit when they talk.”  The fact that they are willing to keep their jobs after winning two hundred million really makes you feel like crap, doesn’t it?

I’ve thought about this at length and I must admit, I would not quit my job either.  Even if I won hundreds of millions of dollars, I would not quit my job.  Tire Shop, you ask, would you really keep your job at “the company” and work diligently from eight to five every day even though your bank account was nearly infinite? 

Well, not exactly.

What I would do is this.  I would stay on for as long as it took for “the company” to fire me for performance reasons.  Not fire me for cause mind you (i.e., cursing at someone or not showing up to work) but simply for poor performance.  For being a total nincompoop.  (I must give credit to a friend of mine for this one as it is not my idea – one of those water-cooler discussions I referenced earlier).

How long do you think it would take?  Three months?  Two years?  Five days?

To give you some perspective on how I would execute my poor performance plan, here are a few activities I might engage in during the days, weeks, and months following my winning the lottery:

•  Whenever asked to perform an analysis, I would turn in something altogether unrelated and erroneous.  Like landscape design plans for a new area with a swing set and jungle gym in the non-smoker’s courtyard.  When asked why I did this and not the requested analysis I would answer simply “don’t blame me, my neighbor’s dogs insisted on it.”
• Whenever asked for anything by anyone I would reply “sure, do you want me to super-size that?”
• I would make up my own corporate speak words to see if they catch on.  Examples include stratergize, socialify, and strawperson (which is the politically correct version of strawman).
• I would walk into every meeting and announce loudly ”I’m sorry everyone but I can’t stay for the whole meeting.  My doctor tells me I have a scorching case of Crampadeeass and must not sit for long periods.”
• I would hurry up to groups of people in the hallway and ask after fictional foreign employees.  Examples include “pardon me, but have you guys seen Dong” or “hey folks, can you tell me where to find the new girl Jen Italia?”
• I would storm into the VP’s office on occasion and say things like “it is with a heavy heart that I must relinquish my duties as the third floor fire Marshall.  The bastards just don’t listen to me.  When I say single file I mean it mister!”

And so on…

Thanks for coming.  I enjoyed it.  Hope you did too.

Frown, You’re On Candid Camera

Remember your first corporate job?  If you were like me, you probably started your career in a role best described as junior analyst.  Your job consisted of menial tasks (mine was creating and managing a project tracking database), while you also got to perform some low level analytical functions on the side.

Remember when you would see decisions being made by your management that didn’t quite make sense to you.  Do  you recall how you rationalized these decisions?  I’ll just bet the conversation in your head went something like this:

It does seem odd that the executives would choose to target our marketing campaign to elderly widows on a fixed income.  But hey, what do I know?  I’m just a lowly junior analyst.  Those execs got to where they are for a reason.  They certainly know better than me…

Oh, to be young, stupid, and have blind trust in your executive leadership. 

I distinctly recall the exact moment when I came to realize that something was wrong with my executives.  Like the fact that they may not be that smart.  Potentially not even smart at all.  Like when you find yourself comparing your executive’s intelligence to that of a dinner roll.  

I was in a meeting with my VP, Director, and Manager to present our plans for what was called the “Phase IV Roll Out.”  I had put the PowerPoint deck together myself and was just wrapping up delivering the presentation when the VP stopped me suddenly and said “Tire Shop, can you do me one favor before we take this deck to the CFO?”

“Of course,” I replied thinking she was about to give me some great feedback on my analysis or ask that I change some verbiage in an interesting way.

Flipping through the pages, she continues, “can you go through the document and change the Roman numerals in the term “phase IV” to the Arabic number four?”

Cut back to me, my mouth hanging open.

“I think that would look much better,” the VP says contently.  “It’s kind of confusing the way it is now.”

Cut to my Director and Manager, both nodding and saying things like “yeah, that does need to be adjusted.”

Cut back to me, brow furrowed, staring in disbelief at these people.

“Also,” my Director jumps in, “can you make these bullet points a little darker red.  Like a burgundy.  I think they would match the header much better that way.”

“Yeah, I noticed that too,” my Manager says smugly.

“Agreed,” says the VP.

Cut back to me, my jaw is now laying on the floor.

After multiple nods to each other regarding their suggested changes to my PowePoint, they all turn my way and give me a look as if I just shit in their hats.  Later I would come to think of this as my very first candid camera moment.

Side Note:  A candid camera moment (CCM) is where you are positive you are on candid camera and the people sitting before you are pulling your leg.  A CCM involves a scenario so stupid or a comment so ridiculous that there is no possible way it is not a joke.  You end up glancing about the room searching for a hidden camera, expecting Allen Funt to pop out at any moment and say his famous line “smile, you’re on candid camera.”

Allen Funt does not appear and they continue to stare at me in silence.

And I’m thinking, “why, in the name of all that is holy, would you want to change that…how in the hell did you get this job…and who gives a happy-ass shit about Roman numerals…did you even go to college…silly son of a…you mule driving clodhoppers…and another thing…”

“Sure,” I say as they stare at me with smug looks on their fat-ass smug faces, “I’ll make those changes and have the finalized deck back to you by day’s end.”

I leave the meeting and shuffle back to my desk, my legs dragging laxly across the indoor/outdoor gray and blue carpeting.  The wind, as they say, had been taken out of my sails.

I spent the next two hours changing the seventy or so roman numbers IV’s to Arabic 4’s.  I also changed all of the bullet points to a deep dark red color (which, by the way, prints in standard f-ing red no matter what shade you make it on the screen).

And so I broke my cherry.  My very first jaw hanging open executive moment.

It’s funny, I know that all of you get the point of this story as most folks do.  But on occasion, when I’ve told the story aloud, I’ll get the following reaction “why didn’t you just use the find/replace function in PowerPoint instead of changing all of those IV’s manually?”

And I’m thinking “there goes the next VP of Marketing.”

Cocktails and Shattered Dreams

Last night I went to a charity event down at the brand new restaurant/bar area smack dab in the middle of downtown.  There I am, drinking a beer on the patio of a nice brew pub, looking up longingly at the various buildings that surround the area, and wondering why I don’t work there.  Oh how I wish I worked in one of those buildings.  To think that only a few steps away from my place of business is a nice tall glass of suds.  Think of the joy of ending your day at one of the many unique happy hour bars in the area.  Think of the even greater joy of beginning your day at one of the many unique happy hour bars in the area. 

I wonder, if polled, how many Americans would say that they’ve had an alcoholic beverage at lunch and then gone back to work?  Probably much greater than fifty percent I would guess.  Europeans do it all the time (those damn Europeans always seem to have more fun than we do – too bad they smell like goatshit).  I think we’d all be more relaxed, work harder, and be happier if we were afforded the opportunity to have a beer or two or nine with lunch.  Why the stigma that drinking at work is a bad thing?  I used to write most of my term papers after having a few and I am proud to say I made it through school with a B average (would have been an A but my term papers always seemed to trail off in rambling sentences about the meaning of life, ultimately ending with me challenging the professor to an arm wrestling competition). 

I once worked with an older lady who used to pour vodka in her Sprite can and drink it throughout the day.  She used vodka because there is no smell to vodka (unless you count powerful blasts of “rubbing alcohol” as a smell).  I advised her to smear a lot of Ben-Gay around her neck so it would mask the scent of vodka and make her smell like the hallways of my Aunt’s nursing home just after “activity hour.”

My point is, the vodka lady seemed happy despite her constant drinking.  Always smiling and chattering away (and when I say chattering, I’m talking about her teeth clanking together rapidly).  She didn’t seemed to have a care in the world (until of course the day she was fired after climbing up on her desk to sing her own version of the old standard diddy Yankee Doodle Go Fuck Yourself). 

I guess I just long for a change.  To be away from “the company.”  To be in an urban setting where I can sneak away from the office from time to time, get blasted in a nearby bar, and wander around the back alleys beating the living hell out of the homeless.  Sounds like the kind of life I’d like to lead.  For a while anyway.

I’ll leave you with a poem my Mother taught me:

Starkle, Starkle, little twink.
Who the hell you are I think.
I am not under what they call,
the alcofluence of incohol.
I’m not as drunk as thinkle peep,
I’m just a little slort of sheep.
Tee martoonis make a guy,
Fool so feelish, don’t know why.
Rally don’t know who’s me yet,
The drunker I stay, the longer I get.
So just one more to full my cup,
I’ve all day sober to Sunday up.

Consulting – America’s Favorite Pastime

I decided to become a humor columnist, which basically means I get to sit around in my underwear and make things up.  It’s like being a consultant.

                 – Dave Barry, Humor Columnist and Author

I’m fascinated with consulting.  Just think of the premise: we are going to bring in a group of high priced top five B-school MBA’s who know virtually nothing about our business and have never run a business to tell us how to run our business.  Unbelievable.

My favorite quote from a consultant is something that one of them said to a peer of mine a few years ago:

I don’t do anything. I consult.

Phenomenal.  I don’t do anything either.  I blog.

Below is my version of the consulting mantra:

Knowest Thou The Three R’s – Repackage, Resell, Reorg. 

• Repackage the work of others and make it “pretty.”  Add a waterfall chart to a PowerPoint for instance.  Think about using the words ”stratify” and “optimum” a lot. 
• Resell the same work again and again across different companies and different functional groups within the same company.  You might be able to parlay one piece of meaningless gibberish into millions of dollars of revenue for you firm.   
• Always, always, always, suggest a reorganization as the end-all solution to a company’s problems.  Say things like “your organization isn’t appropriately stratified for optimum accountability.”  Remember, it is never the top executive’s fault that he/she can’t hold employees accountable.  It’s that damn org structure.

 It is amazing that nearly all large corporations have the stated goal of hiring the best and most talented people, and yet they all hire consultants to “pick up the slack.”  This is like a coach telling his football team “you guys are the most talented team I’ve been around.  If we stick together, we can win it all with hard work, determination, and the will to succeed.  By the way have you guys met our new quarterback, Peyton Manning?” 

Thinking about it, this metaphor really only works if Peyton Manning was a highly touted yet talentless hump that could talk about quarterback play all day but had never actually thrown a pass.

I’ll leave you with a stupid joke.

Q - What do you call five-hundred consultants at the bottom of the ocean?

A – I call it their natural habitat.  After all, that is where the sea-monsters live. 

CEO – Chief Egotistical Orator

Long day so I’ll leave you quickly with this quote, again from Taleb.

When you are employed, hence dependent on other people’s judgement, looking busy can help you claim responsibility for the results in a random environment.  The appearance of busyness reinforces the perception of causality, of the link between results and one’s role in them.  This of course applies even more to the CEOs of large companies who need to trumpet a link between their “presence” and “leadership” and the results of the company.  I am not aware of any studies that probe the usefulness of their time being invested in conversations and the absorption of small-time information – nor have too many writers had the guts to question how large the CEO’s role is in a corporation’s success.

                   – From The Black Swan by Nassim Taleb

I tend to believe that CEOs are rarely responsible for the success of large corporations.  That random events along with execution at the employee level tend to determine whether a not a product or service succeeds in the market place.

I know one thing, a CEO sure can have a lot to do with the failure of a large corporation.  That is for sure.

The Art of the Interview Part II

To continue the discussion on interviewing, I thought we’d explore some of the more standard questions you normally get in the first interview with a prospective employer.

 

Question 1 – Tell me a little bit about yourself

 

The two key words in this question are “little bit,” meaning short and to the point.  Make sure you don’t launch into an hour long speech that begins with “the year was 1974.  The place, the back seat of a 1970 Plymouth Fury.  Mom was slightly drunk and had seen so many road trip movies she was under the false impression you really could form life-long meaningful relationships with guitar-playing highway drifters …”

 

Your best first response to this question is “sure, where would you like me to start?”  This forces the interviewer to tell you what he/she wants to know.  For instance, their response might be “oh, why don’t you tell me about your current job.”  Perfect, now you know they are interested in your work experience.  This tact might also help you determine if you can see yourself working for this person.  Here are a few responses from the interviewer that should raise a red flag: 

 

“Why don’t you tell me why you are wearing a brown belt with black shoes?” 

“I’ll ask the questions here nitwit.”

“I’d like you to start by guessing my weight.”

“Tell me about your first intimate experience.”

 

Question 2 – Tell me about a time you had a conflict with a fellow employee at work and how you resolved it.

 

You must be very careful answering this question.  You want an example that outlines your ability to quickly and quietly solve disputes.  Rationality and calm assertiveness are the key qualities you want to get across.  Stay away from any example that outlines either unneeded aggression or spineless acquiescence.  For instance, never end your answer with these words “and so the judge agreed it was self-defense.”  Here are few more statements to stay away from when giving your answer:

 

“I mean, why would he kick me?”

“So I said, take your f-ing hands off me you son of a bitch or I’ll cut ‘em off!”

“I guess I just don’t think a backhand is technically striking someone.”

“How is she not aware of her constant humming?  Seriously, it’s like sitting next to a broken window fan – only dumber.”

 

Question 3 – If I asked your current employees or peers to describe you, what would they say?

 

One rule here – never ever tell the truth.  Use words like responsive, collaborative, respected, and focused.  Stay away from words like distant, rambling, intolerant, and evil.  Here are some answers to stay away from:

 

“Yeah, they don’t really talk to me anymore.”

“Well, they’d probably mention the screaming.  God knows they’ve told everyone else about it.”

“It would be kind of difficult for me to ask because there’s this restraining order thing and…”

“Hard to say, but I’m pretty sure the word ’shit’ would be used a few times.”

 

Question 4 – Where do you see yourself in five years?

 

This your opportunity to talk about your ambitions, your goals, your aspirations.  Probably best if you lie.  The “winning the lottery and sitting on my ass” answer won’t put you in a flattering light.  Better to talk about adding value to your company and leading strong team to victory.  Just recite the opening speech from the movie “Patton” and that should do you fine.

 

Question 5 – Describe for me your dream job.

You are on your own on this one.  Just make sure you’re sincere.  I’ll leave you with my perfect answer.

 

“I’ve always thought that the job of ‘heir to the throne of an oppressed people’ sounds like the best job to have.  You see, you’re not actually the king yet so you have no real responsibilities.  You can just skulk around drinking mead and occasionally ordering an execution or two for fun.  All you really have to do is avoid being assassinated by your younger more ambitious brother.  But this can be like a fun game if you want it to be.” 

The Art of The Interview

I’ve written about interview skills before, but the subject just keeps coming up.  Especially since ”the company” is no doubt planning a layoff of thousands of its hard-working employees within the next few months. 

The key to a good interview is not about imparting your skills in Excel or prominently displaying your Six Sigma black belt around your waste (and yes I misspelled that last word on purpose).  No, the key to a good interview is establishing a personal connection with your prospective boss.  You want to leave that interview room arm in arm, laughing and whooping it up like old friends.  Kind of like the graduation seen in almost any high school movie from the eighties.

The easiest way to establish a good personal connection with your new boss is to find out what they like.  Ask yourself, do I know anyone who might know them?  Are they online?  Can I look at their Linkedin profile?

If these tactics fail, simply follow them home from work the day before your interview.  That way, during the interview the next day you can say something like “so, did you and your wife enjoy those Mushroom Burgers at TGI Friday’s last night?”  Normally you’ll get a response like “were you the guy staring at us from behind the salad bar and talking into a personal recorder?”

Another tip on personal connections is to contantly look the interviewer in the eye.  This is a piece of advice I took literally when I was younger.  I ended up staring at the interviewer, without blinking, for the entire length of the interview.  At the end of the session, my eyes were watering so badly that a puddle had formed on my lap and when I got up to shake hands and leave, it looked as if I’d peed down both legs and half-way up my stomach.  Didn’t get the job.

Be aggressive.  That way they know you really want the job and will do anything to get it.  Say something like, “if you don’t hire me, I will haunt you to the end of days.”

Compliments work well in any social situation, and an interview is no different.  Tell the interviewer what a great office they have or compliment their thighs.

On that note, always use charm to your advantage.  Ask how many ”singles” there are in the office and if the company sponsors any kind of swinger events.  “It’s not that I swing often, but my current swinger’s club really is dynamite.  It’s called Too and Fro.”

Make sure and act concerned about company benefits with the HR representatives.  Don’t forget to ask about how they handle preexisting conditions like chronic chest pain or atomic diarrhea.

Establishing good personal connections is about being unique.  If you’re a man, definitely wear a suit but spice it up a little bit.  Add a pocket handkerchief and boutonniere.  For a woman, a corsage is definitely a must.  But get daring.  Try wearing a silver tiara with the words “hire me” bedazzled on it.  

You want to project a persona that tells the interviewer you’re out to work hard and get your hands dirty.  Asking to be called by a nickname will help accomplish this goal.  It makes you “one of the guys.”  It’s easy.  Just tack a Y onto the end of your name.  It works for any name you can think of.  Sam becomes Sammy, Fred becomes Freddy, Victor becomes…well, I guess it doesn’t work for every name.

I think you are starting to get the idea now.  Buddy up with the interviewer.  Ask him or her out for drinks after the interview.  Hell, bring a flask into the interview room just in case (you never know when you might be dealing with a raging alcoholic). 

Anyway, happy hunting.  See you next time.

Which Comes First? The Chickenshit or the Executive?

Just when I thought you couldn’t get any dumber, you go and do something like this…AND TOTALLY REDEEM YOURSELF!

               - Jeff Daniels from the movie Dumb and Dumber

Fantastic day.  This is what happened.  I actually had several conversations on this subject matter but I’ll paraphrase into one single event to make things simpler.

I was minding my own business, sitting in my gray and lonely cubical this morning when the phone rang.

“This is Tire Shop,” I answered.

“Tire Shop,” a voice said hurriedly.  “I need your help on this market trial we’re proposing.”

I recognize the voice as belonging to Quentin, a project manager in the Business Operations group.

“Hey there Quentin,” I say with a half groan.  “What can I do for you?”

Quentin takes a deep breath and begins, “so you are aware we are putting this market trial together to try and determine what kind of lost revenue we might see if we launched Project Drifter.”

“Yep,” I say shortly. 

Project Drifter is possibly the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard of.  The basic premise is to screw our customers over in one market to see how bad a reaction we get.  Then you can apply those learnings to all the other markets.  Now assume that their reaction is bad, you’ve just destroyed a whole market.  But hey, at least now we know what a disaster we’re in for.

“Okay,” Quentin says still breathing heavily.  “So the execs want an estimate of lost revenue in the market if we were to go forward with Project Drifter.  Can your team do some analysis to give us a revenue impact prediction?”

My brow furrows violently as I mull this over. 

“Do they just want a sensitivity analysis,” I ask?  “Like high level ‘what if’ stuff?”

“I don’t think so,” Quentin says.  “They indicated that they’d like it to be as accurate as possible.”

“Quentin,” I begin my hand rubbing my forehead.  “You are asking me to accurately forecast revenue loss in a market so that you can decide whether or not to proceed with a market trial whose sole purpose is to determine what our revenue loss is going to be.”

“You’ve got it,” Quentin says excitedly!

Now I’m laying on the floor of my cube, rubbing my temples. 

“Quentin, if I could accurately predict the revenue loss, you wouldn’t need to do the market trial.”

“Why not,” Quentin asks with a confused tone?

And I’m thinking “dear Lord Quentin, were you raised by wolves or something?  I mean, how closely related were your parents?”

I take a deep breath.  “Because, Quentin, the purpose of the market trial is to determine our revenue loss exposure.  If I could forecast the revenue loss with any accuracy, the point of the trial would be completely moot.”

Silence.  Quentin is obviously mulling this over.  I think I’ve gotten through to him.

Quentin clears his throat and finally speaks.  “Did you say that the revenue loss would be moot?”

Nope.  Bounced right off that thick skull of his.  Quentin is, to quote Bugs Bunny, an imbecile.  A real ultra maroon.

“No, Quentin,” I say with a hint of frustration.  “The market trial is going to tell us what the revenue loss is going to be.  There is no way to predict it, because if we could, you wouldn’t be doing a market trial.”

“Then how are we supposed to know whether to launch the trial or not,” Quentin asks?

I have no answer for this.

Quentin continues, “I know this is a tough ask, Tire Shop, but the execs were very explicit on this one.  Isn’t there anything you can do?”

“Oh, I’m sure we can come up with something,” I say as I begin packing up my laptop.  Ten-thirty and my day is over.  Now the time has come to have a little fun. 

“The revenue loss prediction would have to be based on stochastic observation,” I say not even sure what stochastic means.  “The problem always is that heuristic modeling can be complex without the use of dynamic canonical coefficients.  Maybe we could use the flux capacitor models that Charlie’s team worked out last summer?  I just don’t know how much processing time is required.  He is going to need at least a few hours to get the coordinates from the navi-computer.”

“Uh, yeah,” Quentin stutters.  “Maybe I can just call Charlie directly and see what he can do.”

“Great idea. While you’re doing that I’ll make some calls and see what I can find out,” I say with zero intention of doing any such thing.

“Okay,” Quentin says with renewed enthusiasm.  “Thanks Tire Shop.  See ya.”

No Quentin.  No you sure won’t.