For The Townies

It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

            – Macbeth, Act 5 Scene 5

Autumn approaches and I am finally headed off to college after only a few months delay.  My 1976 burgundy toned Chevette is packed to the hilt with my belongings, ready to transport me to a new destination.  A place not far in distance, yet somehow worlds away.

So then, I leave the Tire Shop in the loving care of you fellow townies.  Remember to lock the doors at night., and don’t let Smitty give you any crap.

I do plan to stop in once in a while for a chat.  Perhaps my commentary will stray a bit from the usual water cooler talk of “the company.”  Then again, I do have a decade of memories to draw from.  I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your patronage over these few months.  My spirits and livelihood I fear would not have survived without you.

As I go, I’d like to leve you with a suggestions as you do your best to turn this ship about and head for more furtile waters.

1. Find yourself a better cubical.  If you wander around the building, you’ll find that there are many abandoned cubicles that you might find more appealing than your current assigned seat.  You can get yourself a window view plus get away from the relaxing sounds your neighbor’s antique ten-key calculator ticky-tacing you to death all day.
2. Given the mortoriam on buying supplies, build yourself a massive stash of pens, notepads, staples, etc. to get you through the end of the year (and possibly beyond).  Start a side business by selling these supplies at a premium to needy co-workers who blew through their supply in a two weeks like some random coke addict.
3. Seek out and claim for yourself a secret place.  You know, somewhere to get away once in a while to relax.  Just don’t make your secret place the Quiet Room lest you want to be interrupted by star crossed lovers looking for a little 10am rendezvous.
4. Steal some food from the cafeteria.  Just once.  Just for the hell of it.  Just to get that rush of rebellion you had when you were eighteen and out all night causing havoc.  Don’t be a pansy.  Do it!
5. Start calling your boss “Cheese” as a nickname.  Don’t explain why.  Next time he or she says “hey George, can you send me an e-mail that describes what it is that you do here.”  You respond simply “sure thing Cheese.  I’ve had that deck prepared for the last three years.”
6. Identify the co-worker you despise the most and tape a dead fish underneath their desk.  They won’t figure out where the smell is coming from for weeks.
7. If an executive starts chewing your ass during a big meeting, smile wryly while wagging your finger at them and say ”nice try Jokey Jokerton.”
8. Overreact to everything.  When your co-worker Ned tells you that the delivery of the new Point of Purchase materials are delayed by a few days start screaming.  Ask Ned why the Lord has forsaken you.
9. Buy two hundred pallets of bottled water at premium prices and have them delivered to the Executive Headquarter Building.
10. Have a good time.  I did.  You might as well while you’re there.