The Sequel

So I started a new job.  Quick huh?  Ya think I might of had that planned out a little bit.  Kinda knew that a mass canning was imminent.  Yep.  Timing is everything I tell ya.

So anyway, one of my first acts as a new employee was to go to an off-site training class.  I won’t bore you with the details but suffice it to say that it was systems related training.  Now please understand I am not a systems person.  I simply need to know how to go into the system and pull data out.  Hence the training course.

Upon entering the classroom at the off-site facility and listening to introductions from the instructor and my fellow classmates, it became very apparent to me that I was a bit out of place in this setting.  Most of these people were database administrators, IT consultants, system designers, and would be Dungeon Masters.

After about ten minutes of observing the behavior taking place around the room, I came to the following conclusions:

1. Not only was I going to learn much about database systems, I also would be afforded to the opportunity to learn to speak Klingon which most of my fellow classmates were now using for casual conversation.
2. The trendy looking belt that the man to my left appeared to be wearing turned out to be no fewer than nine mobile phones and four pagers attached around the circumference of his unshapely waist.
3. Calling the instructor a nerd really sells him short in this category.  I’m pretty sure he is their leader.
4. Catching snippets of their conversation, I realized that the two women to my right both own an immense number of cats.  I’m fairly sure that owing a herd of cats within city limits is illegal and reserved for those individuals who are both very lonely and who have a slight touch of the loonies.
5. I am going to have to clear my plans this coming Saturday as I will likely be hosting my first Dungeons and Dragons club meeting in my basement.

A few minutes later, the instructor asked me what I’d like to get out of the class.  Here is how that conversation went.

“So Tire Shop, what is it that you want to get out of the class today,” the instructor asks while looking at me through his meter thick glasses.

“Well Leslie, I’m an end user so I’d like to be able to query the system and pull out data to analyze it,” I say confidently.

“Queries are the main thing then,” Leslie asks?

“Yeah, I’m used to having cubes or a front end reporting interface available to me to pull down data.  So this system query stuff is new to me.”

“Ah,” Leslie says rubbing his chin, “so in your past history you’ve used cubes?”

“Yes,” I say bit hesitantly.

He points at me with his nubby finger.  “Then you’re familiar with OPAL and FASTAC probably.  I’m sure you’ve seen the GERKY interface, though I much prefer the DORCUS modules don’t you?”

“Uh,” I stutter.

He continues quickly.  “I will say that when I first looked at OPAL I thought it was the living end but now that I’ve learned FLARN and KAKA I wouldn’t give OPAL a nanosecond of processing time.” 

He ends his statement in a loud laugh and then snorts like a warthog.

Frustrated, I stand up out of my seat and begin my retort.  “Look Guy, I”m not with these people,” I shout throwing my arms out in a grand gesture.  “You’re not going to intimidate me with those made-up acronyms that make up the language of the dorks.  I’m like the coolest person you goofy bastards have met in your whole life.  And that is not a commentary about my social standing.  It is an indication of how pitiful you nerd-scum suckers are.  Seriously, you are the kind of people who would go to a Star Trek convention even if Shatner and Nimoy cancelled and the only cast member who was gonna be there is that small Russian guy.”

“You’re talking about Chekov,” one of the nerds behind me says proudly.

“You shut your mouth Pee Wee or I will beat your ass all the way back to Narnia,” I snap.

The guy shrinks back into his chair and the instructor smartly breaks in to suggest we all take a ten minute break to cool off.  After the break, calmer heads prevail and the rest of the day goes off without incident.  Except at one point when one of the students challenged the instructor’s knowledge in a particular area inciting a nerd face-off.  They went at it for about ten minutes.  It got so heated at one point they both broke into speaking in binary.  Fabulously entertaining I must say.   

Anyway, driving home I realized that I need to relax and be thankful that I’m no longer in the grips of “the company.”  That place can make you tense and that tension is hard to let go of.

So far I really think that things have worked out for the best.

P.S.  You’re all invited to my Dungeon Master swearing in ceremony next Saturday.