Not Here, Not Never, Not Even in the Quite Room

Yesterday I had to go through manager sensitivity training and watch the fabulously cheesy “Sexual Harassment and You” video.  It appeared that the video had been produced by a former pornographic film director who is taking his first steps in breaking into legitimate cinema.  Really high quality acting and script writing.  It was perhaps the most entertaining movie I’ve seen in quite some time.  Let me walk you through a few of my favorite scenes.

Scene One

Interior:  Pan through a nondescript office space.  Bill and Jane sit typing on their computer key boards.  Their cubicles are adjacent to each other and have low walls so they easily see into each others work space.  Bill stops his typing and begins staring at Jane with a lascivious smile on his face.

“Hey Jane, looking good today,” Bill says through his huge grin.

“Oh, why…thanks I guess,” Jane stammers a bit worried.

There is a long pause as Jane goes back to typing.  After a spell, you can hear an off camera voice, probably the director, say softly “Bill…line!”

“Say,” Bill continues with surprise, “I’ve got two tickets to the Bon Jovi concert tonight.  What say you and I throw on our acid washed jeans, toss a silky scarf headband on, and head out together.  Maybe we could even get a little slippery when wet after the concert if you know what I mean.”

Bill leans forward and winks at Jane who looks very dismayed.

“Thanks Bill,” Jane says with a half-smile, “but I’ve got Jazzercise class tonight.  And besides, you know I’m going out with Stan from logistics.  We’re getting kind of serious – like maybe even exclusive.  Plus word on the street is he’s got a much larger hoo hoo dilly than you do.  Got that Tiny Archibald?”

Bill sinks down in his chair like a dead slug.

“You dirty @#@$,” he whispers.

End Scene

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So obviously Jane sexually harassed Bill in that one.  Bill should ask her to stop and report her behaviour immediately to his manager and Human Resources.

Scene Two

Interior:  In a small office behind a wooden desk sits a fantastically old and horrifyingly ugly female.  She is wearing a house dress and appears to have a hunch back.  Her name is Lard Woman and she is working away, typing on her keyboard with one hand while eating some raw meat with the other.  There is a knock at the door and Lard Woman looks up from her computer with a string of beef hanging from her black teeth.

“Who is it,” Lard Woman grunts.

The door opens and in walks Sluggo, the office tard.

“Hi Lard Woman,” Sluggo says tentatively.  “Tina said you wanted to see me.”

“Yes, come in Sluggo” says Lard Woman enthusiastically as she flings the hunk of raw meat behind her.  It sticks to the wall with a god awful splat.

Sluggo starts to sit but stops suddenly as Lard Woman holds up her hand and says “ahh ah ahh.”

“What’s wrong,” Sluggo asks.

Lard Woman smiles and says “turn around once before you sit, will ya sweetie.”

Sluggo blushes, does a quick spin, and sits down, farting loudly as his butt hits the chair leather.

“Oops,” he says his face turning even redder.

“No worries,” Lard Woman says cooly, “I don’t mind a man who farts and stinks real bad.”

Lard Woman’s face goes deadly serious as she begins.  “Look Sluggo it’s coming up on annual review time for you.  I really think you deserve a big raise.  But things are really tight, know what I mean.”

Sluggo nods slowly, unsure of the connotation.

“Here’s the thing Sluggo,” Lard Woman says leaning forward to look him in the eye.  “I’m not going to lie to you.  I find you very attractive.  That dent in your forehead.  Those crossed baby blue eyes of yours.  Your pearly white tooth.  I mean how’s a girl supposed to get any work done around here when all day long she has to feast her eyes on a hunk of skin like you.  I just can’t concentrate with a spitting image of a meth-addicted Hamburgler hanging around my door.”

She laughs and leans back in her chair to look him over.

“So I’ll tell ya what,” she continues while peeling the raw meat hunk off the wall behind her and taking a seductive bite, “why don’t you stop over my place tonight about seven and we’ll discuss your performance.  Could do wonders for your salary level you know.”

Sluggo looks her in the eye, worried but curious.  He says nothing, but answers her with two simultaneous farts, first a whistler and a then a steamboat horn.

End Scene

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So this one is a bit confusing since it could be consensual and not necessarily considered sexual harassment.  But setting that aside I think it’s pretty clear that both of these mutants should be executed by firing squad for even considering having relations with each other.

So that was my day.  How was yours?