Midway through life’s journey, I strayed from the good path and woke to find myself alone in a dark wood.
- The Inferno, Dante Alighieri
Hello. I work at a very large corporation, and quite possibly, one of the worst run companies on the planet. It is, without a doubt, the most phenomenally entertaining place I’ve ever worked. I fully realize that however frustrating and disappointing things might get, I will never again in my life witness the breadth and volume of stupidity I now see on a day to day basis.
Recently, many of my friends and co-workers were either laid off or left the company of their own volition. Searching for the right words to describe how I felt about this, I came up with the following analogy:
It is as if I live in a small town, I’m eighteen years old, and have just graduated from high school. All of my friends are abuzz with conversation regarding the prospects of college and the path that lies ahead. Not me. I’ve got to stay home and run my Dad’s tire shop because he hurt his back last winter. I’m a townie. As I watch my buddies drive out of town, their cars filled with clothes and books, I wave and yell things like “I’m pretty sure I’ll be up there by the spring,” and “we’ll go out for beers at Christmas break.”
And so the tire shop is born.
This blog is meant to keep all my college-bound friends informed about the happenings at the tire shop in their absence.
It is meant to keep me sane given that there are so few people left who can empathize with my plight.
It is about the art of stupidity, and the stupidity of art.
It is about the age old problem with dumb people – that they are too stupid to realize they are idiots.
My world is the bizarro world of modern business.
In this world, dumb people are seen as brilliant.
In this world, horrible ideas are poorly executed, fail miserably, and then are portrayed as successful.
In this world, the failures of incompetent leaders are rewarded with truckloads of cash delivered at their doorstep.
In this world, stupid truly is the new smart.
What was major in college?
Just curious…
I have enjoyed reading through your posts…very entertaining. I am relatively certain that “the company” you make reference to is my very own…Sprint. I would enjoy the opportunity to meet with you, however appreciate the anonymity with which you freely express your opinions. Your identity would be VERY safe with me…as I do have ulterior motives…AND I am only a contractor with absolutely NO interest at all in becoming a permanent fixture. My reasons for being here are a means to an end…with that end approaching sooner rather than later. My interest in meeting with you is purely selfish. Would like the opportunity to “bounce” some ideas off of you. If interested, please reply and let me know how I would contact you. Thanks- Friend of “the company”
I do apologize Friend but I shall remain nameless to all until such time that my days at “the company” come to an end. I hope you understand.
You are truly my hero. I thought I was alone, but you give me faith that there are others like me at “the company”. Very few, to be sure. I look forward to more posts, more all hands, more Q&A sessions. Having been around the corporate block a few times, this is unlike any professional experience I have ever had before, and it’s the gift that keeps on giving, getting better and better each day.
It is common experience that binds us…especially if the experience is really bad. Glad you enjoy the blog.
I seriously just read your postings on “The Language Barrier” and “The Language Barrier Part II” and spit Diet Coke all over my key board and laughed out loud. “I know exactly what you are talking about and can’t thank you engough for documenting the obvious and absurd that is “The Company.” What a pit in which stupidity is rewarded and individual thinking is punished. No wonder why “The Company” is going no place fast.
Now you can score a new computer since you ruined the old one with Diet Coke. Seriously, pour a little more in that keyboard and you’ll have a second rate hand-me-down in no time.
Thank you, thank you, thank you. I work at a large, poorly managed company too. Reading your blog helps keep me sane. Or, as my boss would put it, I leverage your blog to stay sane at work.
You are very welcome. I’m glad that by touching base with you I’ve achieved your buy in and helped you avoid having to cycle through another day of action items and meeting minutes.
Your posts on the language barrier are the most hilarious I’ve seen. My former director actually began inventing words during my tenure at the company, including the doozie “planful”. Now, if The Company WERE actually full of plans that might make sense…
Another favorite of mine was “deck work”, e.g. the creation of said “deck” you already mentioned. Oddly enough the amount of “deck work” has reportedly increased approximately 9000-fold since the new CEO started, although in his first all-hands meeting he indicated a severe distaste for the things.
Lastly, I heard a rumor that one of the first recipients of the “Elevator Award”, a woman who had gone out of her way to sell Sprint to someone in an airport resulting in a glowing letter being sent about her to the CEO himself, got laid off in the last round. About what I would expect from The Company.
Keep up the good work, or at least keep up writing about the hilarity of working in a completely dysfunctional coporate environment!
Much appreciated Ex. I actually am planning another Language Barrier post. Sadly, I left my meeting notes in my “workspace” so it’ll have to be later in the week.
A friend forwarded me this blog today and it was so what I needed. Started to think I was losing my mind, going through a mid-life crisis, something… Every day I sit in my cubicle and think of other things I could/should be doing but “another company” overpays its employees similar to “the company” and it makes finding another job difficult. So I stay and watch people who do not seem to have a clue get promoted, people who fail miserably rewarded, and so on.
My favorite is the section on Lottery Winners because I’ve always said that is exactly what I would do. Not release my name and have some fun at work…
Thanks for the entertainment and know that you are not alone!
Remember, it is nothing but live entertainment from here on out. Get some popcorn and enjoy the idiot show.
Just heard about your blog today. Very funny post on the Excel spreadsheet! Added you to my blogroll tonight.
Funny Eye for the Corporate Guy
Thanks. I’m glad you enjoy it.
I too used to work at the company. I enjoy reading your blog, and reminds me of what I hated about working there. I find myself not cussing people out in my head, on my drives home after work now.
Anyway, my question to you is, with the recent announcements of layoffs, do you look forward to the “opportunity” of something new, or do you want to hang out and mind the store a while longer?
Best of luck to you tireshop.
Thank you much Another Ex. Opportunities are now my business. Hanging out has had its time and that time is over. All things come to an end. Hopefully this end is a happy one.
Not certain whether “your company” and “my former company” are one and the same, but I empathize with your situation. For a time, my former company seemed like an oasis in the Desert of Poorly Managed Companies. Then, my former company separated from its parent company, went public, and began chasing the almighty dollar while attempting to satisfy the whims of Wall Street.
Needless to say, moronic business plans were laid and senseless layoffs ensued. I remained with my former company for another two years before I gave up hope and left for my current gig. At present, my benefits and salary are better than they had been and I no longer have to travel for months on end. In spite of the minute size of my current company (as compared to the size of my former company), I have been afforded more opportunities for growth.
I agree with others’ comments: I look forward to reading your blog and hope that soon you will find happiness elsewhere. In the meantime, recognize that unbelievable levels of absurdity and incompetence exist at all companies; as soon as you think that you have discovered paradise, some dolt will more than likely ruin it for you. Consider yourself fortunate if you can find shelter from the never ending storm of stupidity that is — or, at any rate, can be — corporate America.
I gotta say, your words to our CEOs ears. I’ve been reading your posts and it’s almost like I’m looking in the mirror.
I have a theory about our not-so-little corporation — “he who must not be named.” You could basically compare it to a 6-year-olds’ soccer game where the kids, not really understanding the game or the purpose of their position, run to wherever the ball is at the moment. There is a sweet innocence about the kids on the pitch — running for the fun of it. Harmlessly kicking into a pack, where the chance of them actually connecting to the ball is at best, a shot in the dark. It’s cute and fun to watch. And totally the greatest thing from the kids perspective.
The same concept but exact opposite feeling can be translated to the dark forces of our own little “Initech.” Executives aimlessly running around to catch the attention of the coach (CEO). Not really understanding the game or what their general purpose on the field is designed to do. They kick and when they don’t connect with the ball, they just kick harder. When the coach tells them that they are behind on the scoreboard, they decide to simply just keep doing the same thing — chasing and kicking wherever there is a pack. Thinking to themselves, there has to be a ball in there somewhere.
In the end, there’s a lot of kicking, rarely a shot on goal. And typically, the worst player, the coaches son, gets the most playtime. But, in the end, to make everyone feel better, we all get a small little trinket in the shape of a trophy and a team picture. I put mine over my mantel next to my complimentary coffee cup. YAY!
So in your many years withing the “double secret probation corporation,” do you have the same feeling?
I think your kids soccer game analogy is absolutely perfect. Makes me wish I’d have thought of it. I can just picture all the kids running in a large pack after that ball, a few of the more “creative” kids meandering off from the pack to chase a butterfly. Just perfect.
I coached my kid’s soccer team. Sometimes, kids would get tired from running in circles and chasing butterflies all day. Time for subs! I’d tell little Dave to sub in. Poor Dave never seemed to notice that the other kids were out there running at all.
“Dave, Pete’s exhausted. Get in there and help him out.”
“No. I don’t want to go in. I’m looking for four-leaf clovers. I know I can find one if I just keep looking at this same little spot on the ground.”
“Dang it, Dave. You’ve been playing soccer on this field for nine years, and you haven’t found a four-leaf clover yet! Your teammates need you! Pete’s scored eleven goals in the last four minutes, and he’s exhausted! Sub in for him.”
“Which one’s Pete?”
PS, I’d fire Dave for not knowing which dude just scored eleven goals, but I can’t because Pete and I both report to him. HR at “The Company” needs to figure out a bottom-up process for performance management. It might make life a little more enjoyable.